The Devil of All Things – Mixed Mania

I spent nearly 3 weeks this time in a mixed state. It was hell. I was tired but not. I couldn’t sleep no matter how much I wanted it and my brain would not shut off. It was racing thoughts and then obsessing about having racing thoughts thrown in with some obsessing about a thought that would get caught up in my brain. I was angry all the time and felt that nobody could finish a sentence fast enough and just wished they would shut up instead so I didn’t have to wait to hear it. When I’m in this, I am greatly, many times smarter than everyone else and everyone else has an IQ of a compromised person. All but me, are all stupid, dumb, and idiots. My irritability is like a force field around me. I have dark, so dark thoughts and energy, energy, surging energy. My skin feels like it’s electric. The sensation is so bad, I want to claw it off. I have so many things I want to do and absolutely need to do and need to do urgently. I have no choice. Sleep is torturous. I’m up for two or three days and collapse on one, only to wake up every two to three hours and have difficulty going back to sleep. I saw no end to the hell and started thinking of ways I could get out.

I could end it. I was both glad and disappointed that there wasn’t a gun in the house. I reflected on the collection of pills I have in my meds drawer. The car wasn’t in the driveway so I didn’t have keys to go ram it into a concrete wall. Just before these things became too overwhelming for me to control, I called my psychiatrist one more time to try to get straightened out.

I had been taking an SSRI. Once, in an inpatient stay for a severely suicidal mixed episode, my doctor there told me to never ever go back onto an SSRI. It was a complete, no questions asked direction – Do Not Ever Take An SSRI Again.

I was seeing a different psychiatrist than my current one last year. During a depression, he removed my Wellbutrin XL (which was the best AD I’d ever been on) and replaced it with Trintellix, full dose and gave me 30 mg of Adderal in addition to the Vyvanse I’m on and also increased my Vyvanse by 10 mg. About 7 months later, I broke and had a manic episode. He only took away the Adderal. About 8 months after that, fast forward – here we are now. I break down and have a hellish mixed episode that I am actually surprised didn’t put me in the hospital. I’m with a new dr at this time.

My psychiatrist made good med changes, although at the time, I thought he was just messing around and full of BS. He took me off of Trintellix (SSRI, don’t let anyone lie to you and tell you it’s just a modulator because that IS bullshit) and dropped my Vyvanse by 10 mg and added gabapentin for anxiety and to help slow me down and sleep. I asked about Wellbutrin XL because I’m terrified of my depressions and do not want to be set up to go there. He said he wants to see if I can manage on just four of my current meds, that already includes Latuda for depression and mood stabilization. He’s hoping I won’t need an AD at all. Me, too.

A week later, after med changes, I am feeling so much better. My doctor did know what the was doing! Even though it took a few miserable days after the med changes to make a difference, they worked and again, I feel so much better. I’m out of my mixed episode and recently found by adding one more medication – the magic potion for a whole night’s sleep.

I’m sure there will be another time when bipolar comes out and throws a fit or sequesters me to the deep pit of depression but I’ve learned that I can at least trust my doctors judgement now.

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Can’t Sleep.

I’m having a rough time sleeping. I’m up until about 4 am then fall asleep and wake up around 7-8 am. I’m up for 3-4 days and crash and sleep 1 night for about 10-12 hours. The cycle repeats itself. Honestly, I’ve never been able to sleep like a “normal” person without some kind of medication. Right now, however, I’m not on anything that would help. My brain is spitting out thoughts, racing and I can’t stop it. I’m worried about everything. I think of a thousand projects and things I can or NEED to do. NEED = Obsession and I MUST do it or the world will end.

My husband woke up the other day to go to the bathroom and I was still up. He gave me a bunch of crap and insisted that I call my psychiatrist so I didn’t keep going until I “just completely crashed!” (His words but I know they are true.) So, I called my psychiatrist and have an appointment Monday night.

On the subject of psychiatrists – Mine is just ok. My very first psychiatrist was great. Of course, my husband doesn’t agree. He thinks my first psychiatrist just prescribed anything and I told him what to subscribe. It’s not accurate. The psychiatrist was available for emergencies after hours; I had his cell phone number. He listened to what I had to say. After an outpatient program, he and I decided I should stay with the outpatient program doctor and then didn’t take on any other patients for a few years. I just found out he is accepting patients again. 2 problems – he doesn’t take insurance – my husband will fight me on going to see that doctor. I really miss that psychiatrist. I would switch in a heartbeat if I could tackle those 2 things.

 

Hello

I’m a woman in my early 40’s with Bipolar 1 disorder, ADHD – inattentive type, and PTSD. I started this blog as a safe coping mechanism, an outlet to journal about my experiences with Bipolar disorder. Sometimes, it will be dark and steeped in nonsense and despair and sometimes, it will be riddled with jumping subjects, encompassing irritability and impulsive nonsense. I experience Bipolar depression and mania. Depression, is well, dark and empty and it hurts to the bone. My mania is full of energy and restlessness. It’s also not pleasant or euphoric. It’s impulsive and irritability and it, too, has a dark side. The feeling of being trapped in my skin becomes unbearable. It is physically uncomfortable. I’ve described it to my mother and tried to get my husband to see that it is almost like having depression on speed. I’m tired but can’t sleep. I hate everyone and think I’m eons smarter than anyone. I’m a genius at the time. Everyone else is wrong and I talk so fast it’s hard to keep up and I start a million projects. (Never finishing one.) This is the best way to describe MY mania. Everyone experiences it differently.

I believe I spend more time depressed, despite the myriad of medications I take, than manic.

Again, this blog serves to share my experiences with others and to let others know that they are not alone. I won’t pull punches. What you’ll find here is real life, ugly and beautiful at times; all of it. Uneven equals unbalanced. Sometimes, I’m quite unbalanced spending more time in the low of it and sometimes in the mania of it.

Welcome to my blog.